The purpose of this post is to write something that I wish I had heard earlier. Of course my younger self cannot benefit from it now, but maybe some younger gal (or guy), won’t have to go as long in life without having heard it.
For too long I think I viewed the dating world as a split between the casual and physical verses the intentional and committed. Faith being a very important part of my life, I didn’t see the world of the casual and physical suitable, and felt encouraged in thinking that the intentional and committed route was the way to go. The problem is, this might not be the most proper way to approach or describe the dating landscape. The funny thing about both of these styles of dating, is that they both are oddly rushed. Casual dating that includes a lot of physical stuff early on isn’t casual at all, unless we don’t take the science of bonding hormones and neurotransmitters released during sex seriously. On the other hand, committing to someone really early on is also hasty, as putting up blinders for someone is also a really bonding activity, even if nothing physical happens. In both of these cases, people rush some level of intimacy, one physical, one emotional, but either way things move too fast. It took me far too long to realize this, to realize that someone truly needs to earn my exclusivity and heart, just as much as I already believed that they need to earn access to my body.
Maybe, however, I need to give some context about how I interacted with the world before this paradigm shift to better make my point. I really avoided the dating world for a long while. I was far too concerned with whether or not someone was a really good match for me before I could even consider asking them out or something. Part of this was general shyness, but I do believe this was in large part to thinking it would be wrong to express my interest in someone who didn’t strike me as in line with important things I’d want in my future. There was so much pressure to make sure someone had the potential to be “the one,” that I barely talked to guys to be honest, and I didn’t get on dating apps until the end of college.
I finally decided that I just wanted to get my first date over with, so I went out to get coffee with someone I barely texted with on Tinder. I honestly was so stressed out and disappointed that I kind of went on autopilot. I’m ashamed to admit I ghosted him after, as I let my fear soar far higher than necessary or proportional to the situation. Looking back, I’m pretty sure he would have been completely nonchalant about a simple rejection for meeting up again, considering he was moving across the country anyways.
Although I ultimately don’t believe that we would have been a good match, the immense amount of pressure I put on myself and the date made the situation far more stressful than it needed to be. The reality is that I could have looked at that experience as an ok chat with someone that wasn’t properly suited for me, or a way to practice being on a date. And maybe I would look back on it better if I had learned my lesson, but I didn’t. Instead, I eventually interacted similarly with someone where my brain went on autopilot and I put too much pressure on myself. The difference is, I really did enjoy the phone call and walk we went on, but I fear I was so bursting with nervous energy that I ruined it. Here is somebody who could have been a great match for me, but the pressure of my overinvestment strangled the potential that was there. Of course I don’t know their side of the story, so I could certainly be wrong about the details, but that definitely doesn’t change how much this overinvestment hurt me when things didn’t pan out.
So then, what is the solution that I’m trying to build up to? Date casually and intentionally. Don’t get invested physically or emotionally with someone before they have earned it. Don’t give someone a mansion inside your own mind when they haven’t even forked over enough to buy a square foot. Don’t feel as if you owe someone your exclusivity when you are only just getting to know them in the first place. Of course be kind and honest, but swiping right, or going on a few dates isn’t a commitment, talking about commitment is.
I don’t say this to be cynical, I say this because the process of dating should be much more lighthearted and fun. Getting to talk to and know different types of people should be seen as a journey where you get to learn about yourself, not merely a drudgery you have to go through before you find someone to commit to immediately. That process can be very casual and intentional at the same time. Learning that the goal is to get a better sense of what you want, until somebody really sticks out to you from the crowd, after a while of getting to know each other as well as talking to other people, honestly sounds rather romantic to me now.
I don’t say this because I regret reaching out to the aforementioned guy that I was overly invested in. I learned that I was actually pretty decent at knowing what I liked from a profile and a text conversation, much better than I thought. I learned more about what I liked and wanted. He also asked if I/encouraged me to write in our initial phone call. This added to the sense of motivation to finally get on this blog of mine that I had been wanting to do for months, but kept avoiding. The sense of deja vu and ease in talking to him makes me sad that things ended the way they did. But if he ever reads this, I hope he knows that I am still glad for having known him, even if I was a poor steward of the time that I got. Also, that I nonetheless pray to “Gesus” that you are well.
I quick want to recognize and recommend a book: How to Get a Date Worth Keeping by Dr. Henry Cloud. He’s a clinical psychologist who comes at dating from a religious perspective, whose book really helped me come around to these ideas when I finally realized how little my perspective and actions in the dating world had been serving me and the people I interacted with. I read a number of other things online, but this was by far the most helpful and enlightening of the process.