I’ve been avoiding writing for a while as I just haven’t quite known what to write about, but I’ve wanted to. Processing the experience of my previous post, as well as figuring out the next best steps for moving forward has been the most relevant to me lately, but harder to write about. I feel odd about letting my previous post just hang there without addressing it further in some way, but I think I’m a little scared to dig into it at the same time. And the ideas for other posts I had stored up just don’t feel authentic to write about now.
In some ways though, the purpose of writing this is just to start, even if I don’t feel as if I have much to say right now, nor do I know how to transition well into the following thoughts, so forgive me for that.
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If you spend any time in the world of self-improvement content, specifically motivation and procrastination, you most certainly have heard of the concept that action is what creates motivation, not the other way around. More recently I’ve had this concept in the back of mind, I think maybe because its truth has in some ways been more apparent to me recently. This has sparked a little curiosity for me, as I said earlier that I’ve struggled getting on writing. At first I thought maybe I would just start writing, maybe even about this concept itself, and see if it motivated me to get onto other things I’ve wanted to do, but I couldn’t get myself to the keyboard just yet.
Instead I let the idea swim around in my head a little while longer and a day or two ago I got out my ukulele and strummed a little on it even though I haven’t played in a long while. I didn’t play much beyond going between some basic chords, but it nonetheless felt like an accomplishment to me in its own small way. Then yesterday I found it a tad bit easier to get on some basic household tasks I generally should be better about, with less dragging myself to do them. I even got to doing some less routine cleaning that I hadn’t set out to do.
I think though what was weirdest about it was my awareness of the different moments of resistance I experienced. There was the typical resistance to not want to do housework and continue on watching my show, which didn’t feel all too out of the ordinary. What was odd was the resistance I experienced when I wanted to actually do a more thorough job, or do a little more work than I intended. It wasn’t merely a desire to not do housework, or to merely want to watch more of my show, it was different than that. In a way, I almost didn’t want to embrace the feelings of motivation, like there was this fear of actually becoming more motivated as a person and specifically in that moment. Silly as it may sound, it’s like I feared that I wouldn’t even want to sit and stream my show if I got on enough of a roll. Maybe even a fear that some things won’t be as satisfying the more I push myself as a person.
I think maybe the reason why this is all so frustrating for me is because it actually is easy to gain momentum with something, but that means something else gets pushed to the side, for better or for worse. The simplicity about gaining momentum on productivity should be good news, but it just feels like proof of how divided I am in my desires and feelings, how bad I am at knowing them, and/or how fleeting they are. I feel like an Etch a Sketch that can easily be shaken and changed, lacking continuity and an assurance in who I am and what I want, even if there is an obvious choice about what I should identify with.
I’ve spent an a decent chunk of time trying to figure out where to go from here and how to wrap up these thoughts, but I just can’t seem to manage it. I think more than anything, I just want to take some reassurance in the fact that I’ve finally gotten around to have something to reflect on, even if it feels a little incomplete. I guess you could say that tells me something important about myself and potentially something about how to move forward, but I think I’ll skip out on trying to draw a conclusion for now.